A Message to the Accused
Let's be honest - you didn't stumble across this list by accident.
You're here because somewhere between the driveway and the front door, you made a terrible tactical error — you forgot to put the receipt in the garbage, you left the price tag dangling off the reel, or you simply underestimated the hawk-like vision of someone who can spot a new purchase from forty feet away through a kitchen window while simultaneously making dinner and watching television.
You’re in trouble.
The excuses below represent decades of field-tested survival wisdom, passed down quietly among anglers the way fly-tying techniques and secret fishing holes are passed down — carefully, reverently, and never in front of a partner.
Will these excuses work? That depends entirely on your delivery, your track record, and whether your partner has already checked the bank statement. If the answer to that last one is yes, no preface in the world can help you, and you should simply place this list on the counter, point at number eight, and go sleep in the car.
For everyone else, study these carefully. Practice them in the mirror. Say them with the quiet confidence of someone who absolutely did not just spend eight hundred dollars on a rod that they do not need.
Above all, remember the golden rule of fishing partnerships: it is far easier to ask forgiveness than permission — unless you've already asked forgiveness four times this calendar year, in which case you've burned through your annual allotment and should seriously consider just becoming a different kind of person who golfs.
Good luck. You'll need it.
"It was on sale. I actually saved us money."
"This isn't new. I've had this rod for years. You've just never noticed it because you never go to the garage."
"Dave left it by my car by accident. I'm just... storing it for him."
"The fish around here have gotten smarter. This is basically a necessity at this point."
"I found it. Just sitting there. By the side of the road. Outside the tackle shop."
"The old one was giving me back problems. This is a medical expense."
"I'm teaching myself to tie flies. This is an investment in a hobby, which you always say I need more of."
"It was either this or therapy. You tell me which one's cheaper."
"My buddy said if I didn't buy it he would, and then I'd have to look at it every single weekend."
"This is the last thing I'll ever need. I'm completely set now." (said for the 46th time)
"The fish can see the old line. Science, babe. It's just science."
"I got it for your dad. As a gift. For... his upcoming birthday." (her dad passed away in 2018)
"The manufacturer is going out of business. This is basically a collectors' item."
"I traded for it. I actually got rid of stuff. This was a decluttering exercise."
(act surprised) "Huh!... Look at that… It came with the truck… I just noticed it."
"Well! You bought those throw pillows and nobody asked me anything."
"If I catch more fish, we spend less at the grocery store. This rod pays for itself."
"It's not a new rod. It's an old rod... I just had it refinished."
"I have absolutely no idea how that got in there. Someone must have put it in my truck as a prank. Huh!… kids…"
20. And finally, if you literally start seeing dark clouds moving in your direction: "Okay, listen. Before I explain — you need to remember that I love you, and that love is not contingent on anything that I'm about to say… "
RM
